My private diary ♥

Dear God,

2011-10-29T09:22:00.001-07:00

Please bless sy with the strength and determination she needs for her upcoming Olevels. Please give her understanding, and motivation to do well. Help her see her through this tough period of time.. Please let her know You are there for her as you are for everybody else.

Dear Lord, you know Alan so much better than I do. You know the burden he carries. You also know his heart. Lord, I ask you to be with him now as you work in his life. I pray that he will find happiness and serenity despite his hectic life. Lord, I don't always understand your ways. I don't know why this is happening, but I trust you.

Teach me not to judge others. I do not know what pain or load they carry, for i cannot see into their hearts. When i argue or disagree, help me to be calm to listen, really listen to the other person's point of view. Lord teach me to be careful with each other's feelings and not to hurt or score points, but be fair and honest, remembering each has an opinion and sometimes we see things differently. When the raised voices are silent and the tears wiped away, help me admit my mistakes and say, "I'm sorry".

Thank you for giving me the strength to put things to an end. Thank you for giving me optimism whenever things arent looking good, Thank you for giving me these people around me, thank you for giving me hope when all seemed quite hopeless. Thank you for giving me the courage to pull myself up again. Thank you for never failing to make me feel better; i know you're listening, i know you'll always be here for me and loving me.

In Jesus's name i pray,
Amen.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

What now?

2011-10-28T13:18:00.000-07:00

I feel useless.
Look at the other kids, they're going to school in the morning like what i should be doing. But no, i have no school to turn to. i shut myself up in my room, wallow in self despair. Read, smoke and drink the night away.

I hate this feeling of rotting away.. Like im non-existent. I wanna just get away from all these shit and go into a slumber. Hibernate. And when i wake, all these will be gone. Ok, thats damn cowardy of me. thats running away.

A promise i will keep to.

After Sy's olevels, work. work work work and slog away. And have fun. and start schooling.

and work doubly hard cause this's me second chance im not gonna waste it. im gonna cherish it.

and as for you... save me all the heartache and i'll be fine baby, ill be fine.

Dead end

2011-10-28T13:09:00.000-07:00

Alan.. Whoa it actually still hurts to type out your name.

I dont understand your game. i really dont.
what exactly do you want? So much on my mind but who do i turn to? you? definitely not. but i dont wanna turn to anyone else too. i dont wanna hear their opinions their views their thoughts, i dont wanna hear anything from them. i only wanna hear what you have got to say, to me.
Im sorry that i fell so deep. you're sorry for it too, aren't you?

It feels so miserable that im over here waiting but you know shit about this feeling. How can you bear to make someone you claim to love, so unhappy? Letting me go might actually be better yknow?

why cant you just fucking tell me you dont love me anymore so i'll stop hanging on to your every word and move on and be happier? why create this mess and instead of clearing up, you just stop and let this mess remain here. there're so many things going on and yet i chose to give up pretty much everything just for you.

Too late, i dedicated my heart to you.

First.

2011-10-28T12:50:00.000-07:00

Whoa, been a super long time since i've touched blogger. Everyone's just using facebook and tumblr and twitter. Feels kinda good to be blogging again.

As usual, have too much on my mind hence the need to rant. I think penning down thoughts actually help. Just that im kinda lazy to be painstakingly writing down all my feelings. Waste of paper anyway. Heh.

I really wonder why i dont share things with anyone anymore. It's like i have to put this nonchalent mask everywhere i go. like i dont really care about anything. but thats not true. i care, i think alot too. just because i dont voice out my opinions and thoughts doesnt mean im shallow, eh?